I had the extreme displeasure of riding the Megabus this weekend to visit some friends in Philadelphia. For anyone who has ever been subject to public transportation, specifically Megabus or Greyhound, you know that the only way to mentally trick yourself into enjoying the ride is to go into it assuming that the bus will explode and you will be burned alive. That way, when you do survive, it will probably be the only positive experience of the trip...
Itinerary Details:
Depart Pittsburgh at 6:50am
Arrive Philadelphia at 2:00pm
Cost - My sanity. And $2.45 for a bag of Cheetos.
On Friday morning I arrived at the David Lawrence Convention Center to begin my seven-hour journey from hell. For anyone who knows me, I am in no way shape or form a "morning person," so the fact that I somehow managed to put on clothes and get to the station by 6:30 in the morning was a miracle. I knew it was too good to be true. You can't buy a round trip ticket for under $100, have the bus arrive AND depart on time, and NOT have something go horribly wrong. You just can't.
I went to the upper level of the bus and found a seat towards the rear of the bus. It didn't seem as though we were going to be jam packed, but nevertheless I made the mistake of assuming I would have a seat all to myself.
You know what happens when you assume, right? You "make an ass out of u and me" and you get stuck next to an oversized travel companion with rainbow hair and what I can only assume was a toe infection that she sported in her Hello Kitty flip flops...
I'm not sure why I was "The Chosen One."
EVERY other person on the top level of the bus had an empty seat next to them, but somehow I managed to communicate a friendly and inviting vibe in my black yoga pants, black sweatshirt, and brown combat boots (Clearly I was dressed to impress).
The temperature on the bus was subzero and my sweatshirt proved useless. There is no way to describe the bone chilling, teeth chattering temperature other than to imagine yourself rapidly eating ice pops in the dead of winter in Antarctica.
In order to deal with the harshness of the conditions, Rainbow Brite unzipped her fluorescent backpack and two new friends emerged: A moose stuffed animal and an anime character pillow. If she and her travel companions had not smelled like Ramen noodles, I would have welcomed the body heat.
I said goodbye to Rainbow when we arrived at State College. I scanned the bus full of new boarders and it was mostly filled with college students. It was still freezing on the bus, and I was seriously considering snuggling with the cute guy in the aisle next to me. We made eye contact and I thought it was a go until I realized the only reason he was looking at me was because I looked like the Unabomber...
We arrived at our rest stop and I couldn't have jogged faster into the convenience store to buy an XXXL Coffee and Cheetos. I looked like a total murderer but I was in full survival mode and needed to warm up and eat my feelings. I realized that perhaps other passengers were texting their friends about ME. For example,
"Ew there's this girl dressed in all black on the bus and I'm pretty sure she would bomb it if she wasn't too busy shoving a whole family-sized bag of Cheetos in her mouth..."
(I actually searched "Megabus" and "Cheetos" on Twitter to see if any fellow passengers were tweeting about me).
After realizing that we still had 3 hours to go, I came to the conclusion that an XXXL Coffee was in my Top 10 worst decisions I've ever made. I tried to hold it in, I really did, but I wasn't going to punish my bladder for my own selfish French Vanilla indulgence. The size of the bathroom on the bus was actually smaller than one you would use on plane. Of course you're holding on to the rails for dear life as you squat over this miniature pee stained pot so as not to make any physical contact. The turbulence experienced in those mere 2-3 minutes was exceptional. I'm convinced the bus driver saw me enter the "bathroom" and then decided to pick up the pace and play Mario Kart with the other Turnpike trolls. If I didn't have the thigh strength of a trapeze artist, I likely would have lost my balance and peed on myself.
Although burning alive in a Megabus seems like a heroic way to go, I was able to successfully complete the 7 Hour Odyssey to Philadelphia. The return trip home to Pittsburgh was not as eventful, except that my parents knew I would have a 5-10 minute stop in Harrisburg and they drove out to see me briefly.
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| Mom always keeps me grounded. |
They brought me snacks and something more which I didn't realize until I was already seated on the bus. Mary and Kevin went to Neato Burrito and got me a Cowboy Crunch to enjoy on the ride home. For anyone that really, REALLY knows me (or Central PA's fine dining) this is my definition of true love and heaven on earth.
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| Translation: I love you, too. |
M
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