I always knew I had a sensitive side, so I figured I would share one of my many creative talents with you. As you all know, I am dangerously good at eating. I am also good at making things rhyme, so below please enjoy my Ode to Cheetos.
An Ode to Cheetos
by Meghan Earnest
I am hangry and borderline violent as I power walk to the vending machine
No time to mess around - I know which buttons to hit
"A3" is forever tattooed into my memory
A forbidden love that I just can't quit.
You fall to your death but my heart skips a beat
It's been too long (24 hours) since I've had you last
I rip open the bag in sociopath-like desperation
I can no longer hold back the tears that have amassed.
My face lights up at the sight of your orangey-glow
I nearly black out after shoving a handful in my face
"Cheese Flavored Snacks" is my mantra for life
An uncontrollable obsession that I will never replace
Only 21 grams of fat - Holy S. What the hell?!?
I should actually probably watch how often I eat these
Who am I kidding, nothing can stop me
Chester the Cheetah, GIVE ME MORE PREASE.
Boys find this attractive. I beat them off with a stick.
They swoon over my orange fingers.
Is that perfume you're wearing? HA. You could say that.
It's the scent of processed cheese that lingers.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a year.
Give Meghan a bag of Cheetos.
And she'll destroy it in less than 20 seconds.
For your viewing pleasure, below is a video taken a few weeks ago of Emily eating MY family sized bag of Cheetos. She's lucky there weren't more severe consequences...
For reference, we had been looking at a picture of Joe Miller when he used to be chubby which is why we are laughing (I had also lost my voice which is 20% of the reason why I sound like a man).
Please take a moment to appreciate the animalistic growl I make when she won't share with me.
Cheeto Craziness (For those who cant open on their phones I went the extra mile).
"You know better than to hide Cheetos from me."
Spoken like a true freak.
Also indicative that I had tried to teach her this lesson before ...
I was going to make a joke about her being a gremlin but forgot what
was bad about them. I just Google searched "What happens if you feed
gremlins after midnight." The answer I got from "StraightDope.com" is
that they will cocoon and change into evil gremlins. So what we've learned is:
1) I should clear my browsing history before our IT guy finds out what I google search at work.
2) Emily should not ever be fed after midnight.
3) I am committed to Cheetos for life (I should BE committed for life...)
4) I have an unhealthy obsession with food. I need help. Call 911.
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