The Real Reason Girls "LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN"

We've seen it on TV, we've read it on internet memes, and we've heard it outside Abercrombie and Fitch stores nationwide. Teen girls are struggling and they are making it known to the world - They literally CAN'T EVEN. 

"Oh my god. The limited edition Starbucks Ugg boots are sold out. I can't even." 

"That boy from Math class is so adorbs. I can't even."

"Can you EVEN IMAGINE a fifty-shades of gray vampire movie starring Channing Tatum?? No, actually, I can't. I literally can't even."

Well Kiersten, when CAN you even? We don't have all day. 

(Out of curiosity I googled "Channing Tatum Vampire" and this was the first result. Clearly girls HAVE been imagining this and therefore we as a gender are doomed). 

Dear John? More like Dear DRACULA.

But it's not just the teenage girl squads who are the offenders. This incomplete sentence structure is plaguing more highly educated circles of women. I admit that I, too, am guilty of having used the phrase in situations where I could not fully comprehend and express my thoughts and emotions.

"Did you REALLY just eat my leftovers?!?! You know what ... I can't even."

"Yooooo that fat baby looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. I can't even."

"HAHAHA did you see that child on a leash try to escape from his parents!?!? I literally can't even."

Some users/abusers of the phrase have begun to mix it up in order to keep it relevant and fresh (which I'm assuming kids these days spell with a Ph --- PHRESH): 

I can't even. 
I am unable to even. 
I have lost my ability to even.  

That last one sounds like some sort of medical condition. I wouldn't be surprised if foreigners who hear this for the first time are concerned that millions of girls and women across the United States are plagued with a new disease that is impairing our mental and physical abilities. 

"Hans, girls in the United States are losing their ability to even. We better hold off on our vacation to Disney World with Hilga and Wolfgang until they develop a vaccination!!"

"Holy SCHNIT-zel!! That sounds serious!!" 

 (I was going to make a joke about it being the brat-worst but realized I literally could not even). 

We can all agree that the general female population is suffering. We're angry. We're amused. We're confused. It's no wonder we're on the brink of emotional instability and/or punching someone in the face. But I'm here to tell you that the real reason girls literally can't even is because we've got too much shit to do and we don't have time to be worrying about whatever it is we're supposed to "even." Either that or we really are all chemically imbalanced, certifiably crazy and have lost control of our lives. Maybe years from now with advancements in science and technology we can all live in a world where girls WOULD be able to even. Hope Today for a Brighter Tomorrow. 

In the meantime, here is a short list I compiled of alternative phrases which you can substitute in practically any situation:

1. This is the best/worst day of my life
2. Mother of mercy.
3. The apocalypse has begun.
4. Doomsday is near. 
5. I would donate my mint condition collection of beanie-babies to make that happen. 
6. Gettin' that fo sho.
7. I want to whack ______ over the head with a pillowcase full of doorknobs.
8. I'm going to cause a stir.
9. MORE WINE.
10. Ain't nobody got time for this. 
11. What in the F
12. Paint me like one of your French girls. 
13. Take me now Jesus.
14. I would rather hear my leg being sawed off than listen to this BS. 
15. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. 
16. I know violence isn't the answer but .... yes it is. 
17. Great balls of fire! 
18. Whatever let's go to Taco Bell.