Meeting someone new ... we've all been there. No matter how it starts...at a party, or a conversation struck up at the bar, or waving to someone who you think is your Tinder date but ... isn't. You may be feeling eager...nervous, even...but mostly excited over the prospect of finally telling your parents that they can stop offering up novenas at mass for God to send a man into your life. These feelings could be so overwhelming that you completely freeze up and forget the do's and don'ts of flirting, ultimately jeopardizing your chance at happiness and your parents' chance at grandchildren.
I wanted to share with you my own short list of things not to do and/or mention when flirting with boys. Every example is, of course, and unfortunately, very real and should be self-explanatory as to why none of said dates are currently my boyfriend/fiance/husband.
1. If he hasn’t already been repelled by what you look like from 10 feet away, that’s a good start! After he introduces himself, just...be normal, OK? That’s all there is to it. There’s plenty of time for jokes later when you’ve already tricked him into being your boyfriend and he can’t escape you.
Him: Sorry, I couldn’t hear you it’s kind of loud in here! What was your name?
Me (trying to make myself go cross-eyed): A girl has no name.
Him: Haha……..what? Are you OK?
2. If you’ve somehow by the grace of god managed to get a date, here’s your chance to really impress him. Don’t apologize for being late and then proceed to sit down in a hurry and tell him that you weren’t sure how much you were going to eat at dinner so you made a snack beforehand and subsequently burned your mouth inhaling a hot apple turnover…
Honesty isn’t always the best policy, ladies.
3. If he laughed at the apple turnover story, great. Don’t push your luck and try and outdo yourself by telling him how you always want to order mozzarella sticks if they’re on the menu but you're scared to eat them because one time in the 7th grade you choked on a grilled cheese and your mom had to pull the stringy cheese out from your throat like it was a scene from The Ring…
Not only is this graphic, it's distracting. For the rest of the evening your date is going to have a mental image of your eyes popping out of your head gasping for air and your mom pulling cheese out of your mouth like one of those magicians and their never-ending handkerchief tricks.
4. I think it goes without saying that you should not try and wow your date with your extensive knowledge of Star Wars, but if you do decide to throw caution to the wind, don't get emotional if he says that Return of the Jedi is better than A New Hope. Visual cues like flared nostrils and a bulging neck vein might scare him. Instead, smile and nod politely versus standing up from your bar stool and shouting in the bar that he is WRONG and to also, maybe, get his facts straight, like how Luke and Leia kissed in Empire Strikes Back NOT A New Hope and how Leia didn't know they were related until the THIRD movie. If he hasn't run for the hills just yet, he will when you try and recover with your spot-on Yoda impression saying “OooOoo. Watch the Movies More You Must. Hermm.”
5. Your Gollum impression. It's bad enough you look like Gollum, you don't have to sound like him, too. Clearly you haven't learned your lesson from your former Star Wars fiasco. At least Yoda was sagely - full of wise words and advice. Gollum is just a creepy, grotesque little creature. And now, to your date, you are too!! Congratulations on being responsible for your own demise.
If you’ve somehow managed to control yourself through dinner, there’s hope for you yet. If you're still struggling and need expert advice, I would gladly refer you to my source where I get all my tips and tricks. I highly recommend the audio cassette.
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| My Best Friend. My Worst Enemy. |
Not only is this graphic, it's distracting. For the rest of the evening your date is going to have a mental image of your eyes popping out of your head gasping for air and your mom pulling cheese out of your mouth like one of those magicians and their never-ending handkerchief tricks.
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4. I think it goes without saying that you should not try and wow your date with your extensive knowledge of Star Wars, but if you do decide to throw caution to the wind, don't get emotional if he says that Return of the Jedi is better than A New Hope. Visual cues like flared nostrils and a bulging neck vein might scare him. Instead, smile and nod politely versus standing up from your bar stool and shouting in the bar that he is WRONG and to also, maybe, get his facts straight, like how Luke and Leia kissed in Empire Strikes Back NOT A New Hope and how Leia didn't know they were related until the THIRD movie. If he hasn't run for the hills just yet, he will when you try and recover with your spot-on Yoda impression saying “OooOoo. Watch the Movies More You Must. Hermm.”
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| That...is why you fail. |
5. Your Gollum impression. It's bad enough you look like Gollum, you don't have to sound like him, too. Clearly you haven't learned your lesson from your former Star Wars fiasco. At least Yoda was sagely - full of wise words and advice. Gollum is just a creepy, grotesque little creature. And now, to your date, you are too!! Congratulations on being responsible for your own demise.
If you’ve somehow managed to control yourself through dinner, there’s hope for you yet. If you're still struggling and need expert advice, I would gladly refer you to my source where I get all my tips and tricks. I highly recommend the audio cassette.
Good luck and godspeed, soldiers.
HAPPY FLIRTING!
I knew her before she was famous! (It's your brother).
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