The Definitive List of Thoughts I Had While Running on Saturday

1. What a nice day to go for a run. I haven't done THIS in a while...
2. Actually, when WAS the last time I went running?
3. Yikes. 
4. Never mind. Forget that...let's focus on today. 
5. Go get changed. 
6. No. The Golden Girls marathon is on.
7. I have to --  this is borderline obesity. 
8. Meg, stop talking to yourself and go get changed. 
9. "I'm sure this neon sports bra will look excellent with my cut off muscle tee" said no one ever...
10. Ew, how long have I had these shoes?  No wonder I don't run, these are gross. 
11. I should look up new running shoes on the internet...
12. NO. You're stalling. Get out of the house. Go.
13. Okay let's see....Keys? Check. Douchey outfit? Double check. Music? DING DANGIT. I didn't sync my ITunes. Well this will take just a second...
14. Mine as well eat something while I wait and fuel up before this major run...
15. Ironic. Eating is what got you here in the first place, McNugget. 
16. JIMINY CRICKET is it synced yet? 
17. Okay finally - VAMOS. 
18. Time to run. Time to get fit. 
19. F-I-T. Fit Fo Life. 
20. Fitness Freak. That's me. 
21. Jesus CUH-RIST.....What is this, the Middle East??? How hot is it today?!?!?
22. I haven't even started this stupid run and I'm sweating. 
23. I'm sweating and I'm walking down the stairs. This is a bad omen. I should go back inside. 
24. This humidity is in-SAN. 
25. KO would get that reference. In-SAN. Amahhhhzing. 
26. LOLZ I'll call her after this.
27. No but really...it's hot. Like African hot. 
28. African..
29. African hate running HAHAHA 
30. GET IT?!? AFRICAN?? Like..."I FRICKIN??"
31. God I'm hilarious, I'll put that in my blog later. 
32. Okay let me start this Couch To 5K app on my cell-u-lar.
33. Key word "couch."
34. I WISH I was on my couch. 
35. Okay. Here we go. 
36. Come on Beyonce PUMP UP DA JAMS.
37. WHO RUN THE WORLD?? GIRLS GIRLS. WHO RUN THE WORLD?? MEG MEG.
38.  How much time has gone by? 
39. 1 minute. 
40. Nice.
41. What are you running with Kenyans?!?!? Set yo pace, girl!
42. No really I have to slow down I'm dying. 
43. This is much better :) And much more embarrassing. 
44. Who runs for fun???
45. Chemically imbalanced people. That's who. 
46. That little troll Emily would be flying by now. 
47. 26.2?? NEVAR. 
48. Ayyyyooo that guy is hot. 
49. Run faster so it will look like you are a natural.
50. Really Meg? Wow. 
51. If you're idea of looking cute is galloping at full speed like a rabid horse then...God help us all.
52. He didn't even look. 
53. He probably was blinded by my neon bra, that's why.
54. What the F am I almost done??
55. UGHHHHHH I'm not even half way. 
56. Ya know, running through Little Italy has been your best idea yet, Meg. 
57. Congratulations. Really nice. 
58. Is that the delicious smell of fresh calzones coming out of oven?  You bet it is.
59. You're a psychopath.
60. Or is it sociopath??
61. Whatever, I'm probably both.
62. Either way, you've done this to yourself. 
63. AH god. Help me. My legs feel like sandbags. 
64. Sandbags that were left out in the rain, maybe, and are 10x heavier than they were before...
65. Nothing better than chafing thighs in the 100 degree heat, am I right ladies??
66. Is it socially acceptable for me to puke on the side of this Day Care Center? 
67. No no...you can't do that. 
68. There are children outside.
69. What the...
70. How the hell did "Dear John" get on this playlist?!?
71. Come on Tay. Don't do this to me now girl!! 
72. That's more like it Iggy..."I'M SO FANCY...YOU ALREADY KNOW"
73. More like I'm So Sweaty.
74. And everyone definitely knows. 
75. I applied deoderant, right??
76. NOPE. 
77. Hashtag - WINNING. 
78. Hashtag - STINKY
79. How do Kenyans run so fast...especially in heat like this??
80. Witchcraft, probably. 
81. I need water.
82. What is that......
83. What is.....
84. CRAAAAAMPPPPP!!!
85. AH JESUS I forgot to stretch.
86. F you Charley and your F-ing Horses, too!!!!
87. I'm never running again. 
88. And so it was written....And so it shall be done. 
89. Or in this case, not done.
90. YAAAAASSSS. I CAN SEE THE HOUSE. 
91. Just a little....bit.....longer. 
92. Don't you F with me now Ricky Martin!!! You can live your vida loca elsewhere.
93. I really need to reevaluate this playlist.
94. AWWWW YEAH GIRL. YEAH. YOU DID IT. 
95. Time to unwind.
96. I'm so thirsty. 
97. What's in the fridge? Gatorade? Water? 
98. Oh....a can of Miller Light and a block of Colby Jack Cheese. 
99. I'm going nowhere in life. 
100. As long as I don't have to run there....

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The Laundromat from Hell

For the past 24 years I have had the luxury of always having a laundry machine on site where I lived. This year as I moved into my new apartment, I had to sacrifice on site laundry for open windows, lots of kitchen space, a great location, and the assurance of a rodent/termite free apartment (Here's lookin' at you 2333 Larkins....)

As I know nothing about laundromats, I thought a good start would be going to one that was close by and had received good reviews for cleanliness, number of washers/dryers, etc. I'll start off this horror story by saying that the laundromat's location was something you would see in the opening of a CSI episode. I made the mistake of going after work so it was getting dark. Naturally this was the perfect time for all of the sketchy clientele to come out and wash their, what I can only assume were, blood stained garments. Some people were sleeping, some had beady eyes that watched you the moment you walked in, and others were trying to dig quarters out of the gumball machine.

I will be the first to admit that when I walked in I looked like a spoiled punk who had never gone to a laundromat before. I COULD have fit in given that I looked completely disheveled but the junkie using his own saliva for soap took the cake.

Again, because I know nothing about laundromats, I did not know what the cost of washing and drying a load of laundry was. I took $5 thinking this was enough. Unfortunately $5 barely got me a wash for one load and I had two. The only other money I had was a $20 bill that I would have to take to the change machine. This was a huge mistake. Apparently the maximum quarter capacity in the change holder cup is $10, so you can only imagine that after I entered the $20 bill quarters came flinging out and spilling all over the floor as if I had just hit the jackpot.

The kids in the joint thought this was great as they quickly scrambled to pick them all up ("FREE MONEY" they thought until I had to ask for it back. I got blank stares back as if they were saying "FINDERS KEEPERS" and then I gave a glare back as if to say "IN YOUR DREAMS" and then they forked over the quarters and I really did ruin their gumball dreams forever).

Not surprisingly I had an empty sandwich bag in my purse which I used to hold all of the coins. I squinted and mumbled as I tried to read the directions on how to do laundry. This really made me look ridiculous because come on, I KNOW HOW TO READ. Somehow I managed to look poor and illiterate while simultaneously looking like a spoiled white girl who was the Grinch Who Stole Children's Gumball Money.

Things really started to liven up when the boys doing laundry next to me started talking about how they wanted to die and, no matter how they went, they wanted their bodies to become fertilizer so that in their next life they could come back as a marijuana plant....

Luckily I was able to finish and fold my laundry without getting shot, stabbed, licked, spit on, etc. so overall I think my first laundromat experience was a win-win. After I confirmed that I was alive to the outside world, I received three emails from my dad with links to purchase portable clothes washing machines, because who wouldn't want to explain THIS to guests who come over to the house.

"Whatcha doin there, Meghan??"

"Oh just churning my laundry. Go on and play Scrabble without me, I've got to empty my EZYWASH." 

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The Art/Struggle of "Getting Ready"

I don't know about you, but when I make plans to go out I have a 'getting ready' process that seems to actually last longer than whatever event or activity it is I'm getting ready for. I got a taste of this reality as I absurdly spent 1.5 - 2 hours getting ready for a night of bar hopping for the 4th of July. I wish I could use the holiday as an excuse but unfortunately this seems to be my day-to-day routine. Let's just call this process The Conversion.

Step 1: Showering

If you've mustered up the energy to shower this morning, congratulations. Some people don't even make it this far. I usually sleep as long as possible and have approximately 4 alarms that go off in the morning to wake me up; it's my way of tricking myself into believing that I can snooze for a little while longer. The 4th and final alarm is essentially a warning that if I don't get up now I'm going to look like the girl from The Grudge.
 
Once you make it into the bathroom and turn on the shower it's a sick game of figuring out exactly where the handle should be so that the temperature is just right. For me there are two temperatures - Insanely hot like the pits of Mordor (I can hear Gandalf yelling "YOU SHALL NOT SHOWER...") or numbingly ice cold where you'd give Jack and Rose a run for their money on who's going to get hypothermia first after getting in the water.                           

Now that you've made it into the shower, you choose among your selection of shampoo and conditioner bottles and pray for the best. It really is frustrating to me that there is an overwhelming variety of hair products - there are options for thick hair, thin hair, damaged hair, fine hair, frizzy hair, etc. I'm convinced they all do the same thing so I don't follow the labels but I AM expecting that these products will make me feel as exotic as the names sound. Have you ever been in the "hair" aisle and looked at some of the names on these things?? With scents like Cucumber Bali Bamboo and Tahitian Spring Floral Surprise Delight I have high expectations that I will come out of the shower with my hair glistening like those Garnier models on TV. (Disclaimer: I never come out of the shower looking like the Garnier models on TV). God forbid you get shampoo in your eyes. Then your whole shower experience is ruined and your cursing Loreal and yourself for not buying the kid's "tear-free" version like you knew you should have.

For kids, my ass.

If you have chosen to be brave and/or a normal lady, you will spend the next 10 minutes shaving and scouting every inch of your body to make sure you didn't miss a spot. Of course there are the times you accidentally cut yourself and you naively think "Oh it's just a nick" and you carry about your business until all of a sudden it's the red sea at the bottom of your tub and you're reacting as if you've just been sliced by a murderer.
                                          



Step 2: Brushing teeth

We've already touched on the overwhelming number of products in the hygiene section so we don't need to go into detail about the plethora of toothpaste brands and varieties available. And don't even get me started on floss and mouth wash. What's up with people calling it "oral rinse?" It's mouthwash. Calling it oral rinse just makes it sound dirty. MOUTH WASH is a necessary evil because it leaves you with a fresh minty taste but also makes your mouth feel like it's on fire and your eyes start to water and bleed but it's the price you pay for good breath. But let's be honest, no one has this type of daily dental hygiene and if you say you do you're lying.


Step 3: Choosing an outfit 

In brevity, I need to be submitted to a Lifetime or TLC show like What Not To Wear. You would think that I could part with my XS track shirt from 4th grade and that I wouldn't need someone to tell me NOT to wear the shirt with the marinara stain on it, but I do. Sadly, very sadly, I do. When not one but two people over the course of your life have asked if Helen Keller is your personal stylist, it's time to buy that In Style magazine at the checkout. 188 style secrets? That seems like a lot but okay.   Hot Trends I need to know? I guess I DO need to know since wearing sweatpants anywhere outside of your house is apparently frowned upon. For your viewing pleasure, here's a pic of me killing it in college:

Fresh to Death

 Step 4: Makeup

The most dreaded part of my routine. If you thought wardrobe was my handicap, think again. I don't know things. As a matter of fact, I know nothing when it comes to beauty secrets and shortcuts and I'm ALL about shortcuts. I've had to rely on my roommates for answers like "What's contouring?" and "What's that eye thingy where you use it on your eyelashes and it makes them look longer? -- Oh an eyelash curler? That makes sense.

Maybe she's born with it? CERTAINLY NOT. Maybe it's Maybelline?? You bet it is.

For those of you who know me I have two signature looks:

1) Girl who used a little bit of makeup and attempted a "sweet and subtle" look but still miraculously looks like the girl from The Grudge.


2) Girl who went balls to the walls on her makeup pallet and looks like an extra from Coyote Ugly or Rocky Horror.

Any girl who has experienced the horror of sweating off their makeup knows exactly what I'm talking about. You think your face is melting off but it's just your Honey Brown shade of foundation that didn't match your skintone to begin with. And for anyone that says, "Then just don't wear any makeup" you can go to H. We all know that's unrealistic and definitely not how I'll meet my future husband, Mr. Eric Bana.  For your viewing pleasure, here's a pic of me in college when I had strong bronzer game. Fortunately I had friends that got me through this tough time in my life, and for anyone interested, Bronzer-Holics Anonymous meetings are Wednesday's at 7pm in the YMCA basement. 

Flat Hair Don't Care

However long and intricate your "getting ready" process may last, we can all go to sleep at night knowing that it was likely in pursuit of your best appearance possible. For all we know, your "best" may be a pair of yoga pants with a hole in the crotch and an over sized Tshirt that has the ICEE bear holding a slurpee on it. Obviously "makeup need not apply" is suitable for this look. We can only pray that all other outfit options have been exhausted at this point and you're only wearing this particular outfit to your local laundromat. Or you know...an outdoor concert where you'll be seen by thousands of people.

Friends don't let friends wear horrible outfits alone.

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