The Art/Struggle of "Getting Ready"

I don't know about you, but when I make plans to go out I have a 'getting ready' process that seems to actually last longer than whatever event or activity it is I'm getting ready for. I got a taste of this reality as I absurdly spent 1.5 - 2 hours getting ready for a night of bar hopping for the 4th of July. I wish I could use the holiday as an excuse but unfortunately this seems to be my day-to-day routine. Let's just call this process The Conversion.

Step 1: Showering

If you've mustered up the energy to shower this morning, congratulations. Some people don't even make it this far. I usually sleep as long as possible and have approximately 4 alarms that go off in the morning to wake me up; it's my way of tricking myself into believing that I can snooze for a little while longer. The 4th and final alarm is essentially a warning that if I don't get up now I'm going to look like the girl from The Grudge.
 
Once you make it into the bathroom and turn on the shower it's a sick game of figuring out exactly where the handle should be so that the temperature is just right. For me there are two temperatures - Insanely hot like the pits of Mordor (I can hear Gandalf yelling "YOU SHALL NOT SHOWER...") or numbingly ice cold where you'd give Jack and Rose a run for their money on who's going to get hypothermia first after getting in the water.                           

Now that you've made it into the shower, you choose among your selection of shampoo and conditioner bottles and pray for the best. It really is frustrating to me that there is an overwhelming variety of hair products - there are options for thick hair, thin hair, damaged hair, fine hair, frizzy hair, etc. I'm convinced they all do the same thing so I don't follow the labels but I AM expecting that these products will make me feel as exotic as the names sound. Have you ever been in the "hair" aisle and looked at some of the names on these things?? With scents like Cucumber Bali Bamboo and Tahitian Spring Floral Surprise Delight I have high expectations that I will come out of the shower with my hair glistening like those Garnier models on TV. (Disclaimer: I never come out of the shower looking like the Garnier models on TV). God forbid you get shampoo in your eyes. Then your whole shower experience is ruined and your cursing Loreal and yourself for not buying the kid's "tear-free" version like you knew you should have.

For kids, my ass.

If you have chosen to be brave and/or a normal lady, you will spend the next 10 minutes shaving and scouting every inch of your body to make sure you didn't miss a spot. Of course there are the times you accidentally cut yourself and you naively think "Oh it's just a nick" and you carry about your business until all of a sudden it's the red sea at the bottom of your tub and you're reacting as if you've just been sliced by a murderer.
                                          



Step 2: Brushing teeth

We've already touched on the overwhelming number of products in the hygiene section so we don't need to go into detail about the plethora of toothpaste brands and varieties available. And don't even get me started on floss and mouth wash. What's up with people calling it "oral rinse?" It's mouthwash. Calling it oral rinse just makes it sound dirty. MOUTH WASH is a necessary evil because it leaves you with a fresh minty taste but also makes your mouth feel like it's on fire and your eyes start to water and bleed but it's the price you pay for good breath. But let's be honest, no one has this type of daily dental hygiene and if you say you do you're lying.


Step 3: Choosing an outfit 

In brevity, I need to be submitted to a Lifetime or TLC show like What Not To Wear. You would think that I could part with my XS track shirt from 4th grade and that I wouldn't need someone to tell me NOT to wear the shirt with the marinara stain on it, but I do. Sadly, very sadly, I do. When not one but two people over the course of your life have asked if Helen Keller is your personal stylist, it's time to buy that In Style magazine at the checkout. 188 style secrets? That seems like a lot but okay.   Hot Trends I need to know? I guess I DO need to know since wearing sweatpants anywhere outside of your house is apparently frowned upon. For your viewing pleasure, here's a pic of me killing it in college:

Fresh to Death

 Step 4: Makeup

The most dreaded part of my routine. If you thought wardrobe was my handicap, think again. I don't know things. As a matter of fact, I know nothing when it comes to beauty secrets and shortcuts and I'm ALL about shortcuts. I've had to rely on my roommates for answers like "What's contouring?" and "What's that eye thingy where you use it on your eyelashes and it makes them look longer? -- Oh an eyelash curler? That makes sense.

Maybe she's born with it? CERTAINLY NOT. Maybe it's Maybelline?? You bet it is.

For those of you who know me I have two signature looks:

1) Girl who used a little bit of makeup and attempted a "sweet and subtle" look but still miraculously looks like the girl from The Grudge.


2) Girl who went balls to the walls on her makeup pallet and looks like an extra from Coyote Ugly or Rocky Horror.

Any girl who has experienced the horror of sweating off their makeup knows exactly what I'm talking about. You think your face is melting off but it's just your Honey Brown shade of foundation that didn't match your skintone to begin with. And for anyone that says, "Then just don't wear any makeup" you can go to H. We all know that's unrealistic and definitely not how I'll meet my future husband, Mr. Eric Bana.  For your viewing pleasure, here's a pic of me in college when I had strong bronzer game. Fortunately I had friends that got me through this tough time in my life, and for anyone interested, Bronzer-Holics Anonymous meetings are Wednesday's at 7pm in the YMCA basement. 

Flat Hair Don't Care

However long and intricate your "getting ready" process may last, we can all go to sleep at night knowing that it was likely in pursuit of your best appearance possible. For all we know, your "best" may be a pair of yoga pants with a hole in the crotch and an over sized Tshirt that has the ICEE bear holding a slurpee on it. Obviously "makeup need not apply" is suitable for this look. We can only pray that all other outfit options have been exhausted at this point and you're only wearing this particular outfit to your local laundromat. Or you know...an outdoor concert where you'll be seen by thousands of people.

Friends don't let friends wear horrible outfits alone.