The Power of Three

They say that good things come in threes. Today was a true testament of that as the following three things happened to liven up this otherwise dull Monday morning:

1) I saw that Bon Iver premiered a song that was written for Zach Braff's new film "Wish I Was Here." I have since listened to said song approximately 14 times in a row because I am slightly compulsive. Check it out: Bon Iver - Heavenly Father

2) I was emailed this morning about free nachos in Customer Service and proceeded to eat my fill and simultaneously redefine the term "ladylike."

3) At approximately 3pm I was in need of a snack. I realized I had not one but TWO string cheese packets in my office fridge, stopped dead in my tracks, let out a not-so-silent "AWWW YEAH" accompanied by a half-powered arm thrust and retrieved my snack in glory.


UNFORTUNATELY....

Bad things also come in threes. Today was a true testament of that as the following three things happened which killed the mood of this otherwise decent Monday:

1) A coworker's grandchild was in the office this morning. Truly a cute child. I keep saying "child" because I think we can all guess what mistake I made.

Me: Ohhh she's so cute. What's her name?
Coworker: Well he's a boy so....

Not only did I not know the gender of the child, but I did not know the gender of a TODDLER child. Don't let me out in public anymore. It would have been one thing if I left it at "Ohhh she's so cute" because perhaps my coworker would have thought I said "HE" but I was 100% committed and asked the girl's name which it turns out is Jamal.

2) For what I can only assume was the grander portion of the morning my zipper was down and I was flaunting some seriously attractive underoos*

(*I was not flaunting some seriously attractive underoos.)

3) Imagine yourself in a situation where you are bored to death and you let out an exasperated "Ughhhh kill me." Now imagine yourself on a nearly 2 hour conference call where you thought you were muted and you let out an exasperated "Ughhhh kill me."

Insert silence on the other end of the line here.

"What's that Meghan??"
"Oh...uhm. SORRY. I just spilled......something. On myself. It's okay....I'm okay...."

SOLID RECOVERY.

Tomorrow I am hoping for the power of four - no children in the office, free buffalo chicken pizza, successful cable installation, and a date turned love affair turned marriage with Eric Bana.

Or like...world peace or something.

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Lord of the Flies

It was a bittersweet feeling as I finally moved out of the Jane St. residence last night. I recounted happy memories of Friendsgiving, St. Patrick's Day, and the general flopping around on the couch -  eating Chinese food and watching Game of Thrones every Sunday night with my roommates. 

I was having a pleasant "moving out" experience -- I only had a few more things to pack up and Nicole had done 98% of the cleaning (what a trooper). All I had to do was clean the kitchen. 

I walked through the dining room and heard a buzz. A fly circled around me and then disappeared. 

A surveyor. He was out collecting intel for the rest of his "fly friends." I knew we shouldn't have left the windows open to air out the house....

I entered the kitchen and into an ambush. A full fledged war, if you will, was waged on my head. Forget what you learned in your high school Freshman English class. This experience gave new meaning to Lord of the Flies. There had to be at least ten flies, if not more, and their mission was clear: 

THIS IS OUR HOUSE NOW. GET OUT, GIRL. 

Now I don't take so kindly to threats. So I did what anyone else would do...I devised a counter attack plan. I had to take into consideration a few things:

Fly advantages: 

- They can fly 

- They are tiny enough to hide where you can't find them

- I don't have great hand-eye coordination

Meghan advantages: 

- Pissed off and determined to kill ALL of these MF-ing flies 

A quick trip to Rite Aid and I was back with my weapon of choice: Raid. If this truly was Lord of the Flies then the can of Raid was my conch and I was calling all these flies out to 'come get some.'  

Perhaps it was the cloud of fumes in the house, but I became concerned for my own well being when I caught myself "trash talking" these flies.

 "Oh you want to fly away? HELL NAW (sprays Raid everywhere)"

"I will kill you. I will kill you DEAD."

I told Nicole that if I ever write a review for a product it will be Raid. It killed ALL of the flies and had a somewhat Tropical scent so it was a win-win. I also only had 4 nosebleeds throughout the night. 

If that wasn't enough excitement for one day, I met my neighbors for the first time as I was carrying boxes up and down the stairs and, consequently, sweating profusely. You know when you look deranged and desperately hope that no one sees you? It was like that only worse because my palms were sweaty when I shook hands with them AND the old Tshirt I was wearing had stains all over it. Apparently I wasn't completely repulsive to them, however, because they left this outside of my door this morning :) 

Making friends in my fly-free home is a good start to the weekend.

M

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"The Move" - Target Tribulations and Other Grievances

I recently moved to a new apartment, my first solo apartment ever, and I've had mixed feelings about it. After having recently binge-watched the first three seasons of Sex and The City, living alone like Carrie and company seemed very appealing and glamorous (Reality check #1: this is Shadyside and not New York City).

I was pretty excited to decorate my own place. Excited until I was in Target and suddenly became overwhelmed about which shower curtain to purchase. I spent almost THREE hours in Target perusing "stuff" that I wasn't even sure I wanted, let alone needed.

That's the great thing about Target; they have practically everything you could ever want. In lots of sizes. And in lots of colors. Only 95% of the time you leave the store with buyer's remorse and now you're taking out a loan to pay off all of the junk you just bought. (Reality check #2: I guess I didn't really NEED that singing loofah).

I was physically and emotionally exhausted as I pushed my cart through the aisles. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel - I was almost ready to check out (pun intended). All I had to do was return a Kitchen Mat that I had deemed unworthy.

BUT WAIT - no trip out in public is complete without something totally bizarre happening (In my family we like to call this the Earnest Curse).

A 'couple' passed me with their cart but turned around to ask me a question. Being the upstanding citizen that I am, I was ready to assist. The conversation went a little something like this:

Woman: Excuse me, may I ask you a question?
Me (startled): Sure, what's up??
Woman: We often like to ask this question as we're shopping around....
Me (thinking): Ooooohhhh good maybe they'll give me coupons!

Woman:  Have you ever heard of the female form of God?
Me (thinking): This is definitely not about coupons... 

I said I hadn't but knew immediately that this was a huge mistake since I practically just invited them to tell me more.

I wanted these people to leave me alone and go away. Far away. I could see the woman pulling out one of those pamphlets that essentially tell you to repent or you will burn in hell for eternity. (Reality Check #3: I would rather burn in hell for eternity than continue this conversation).

The woman continued to ask me if I was religious. I'm not and normally would have responded with my default curse of "Jesus Christ..." but figured that would only complicate the situation.

All I could think about were the refrigerated items in my cart and how my string cheese was likely being crushed by my 2 pound bag of Sweedish Fish.

I kindly declined the reading material and practically tripped over myself as I jogged to the check out lanes. I made it home safely and hung up my new shower curtain in peace.

Although I've only been in my new apartment for two days, I'm becoming more cognizant of the Pros/Cons of living alone.

Con: I didn't get to come home and vent on the couch to my roommates about my heinous shopping experience. 

Pro: While furnishing the apartment I didn't have to act embarrassed and skip over "Sk8r Boi" when it came on my playlist. I sang it out loud for all to hear. OH I SANG IT ALRIGHT. 

All of this aside, I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life and am looking forward to sharing the experience with all of you. Stay tuned for pictures of my new place!

M

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That Awkward Moment

Every single person has experienced an awkward moment in their life. Unfortunately, some people experience them more often than others. We like to call this group of unfortunate souls, "The Damned" - You know if you're a member or not by the sheer amount of absurdity and mortification that you have experienced in your life.

Ladies & Gentlemen, my life is defined by awkward moments. If you have followed me on social media you are witness to some of the stories that I have shared in the past. In fact, I usually start out each day wondering what is going to happen to me and when, and praying to god/the universe/Tom Cruise that whatever it is won't happen in too crowded of a place or in front of an extremely good looking guy (because you know, my chances to start off with were already about 20:80).

On a scale of 1-5 which measures the intensity and level of humiliation, I can assure you I've experienced it all.There have been Level 2 awkward moments -- actually being attracted to Ron Swanson, being seen violently licking the lid of my pudding cup, or moments that I generally like to refer to as 'Classic Meg':

Me: "Hey you look really sharp today, what's the occasion?" 

Coworker: "Oh...just going to my grandmother's funeral."

Not surprisingly, there have also been a number of Level 5 awkward moments that I've headlined for myself such as:

- Girl Locks Herself In Portapotty For 20 Minutes: Soccer Game Goes On Without Her
- Failed Attempt to Save Cute Stranger From Mall Kiosk Vultures Makes Girl Look Deranged
- Janitor Mistakes Girl's Post-Enchillada Gas For Toxic Chemical Outburst

I anticipate that some day all of these headlines will become chapter titles for my autobiography, "Mo' Naps Mo' Snacks." Trademark pending.

Although I'll be honest, I think my favorite awkward moment to date is simply known as "Bathroom Ballads," the terribly true story of a girl who innocently had a song stuck in her head and was caught singing said song (Pinocchio's "I've Got No Strings To Hold Me Down") to herself in a goofy voice in the bathroom. 

In my defense I thought I was alone. It was only when I heard another toilet flush that I knew this wasn't the case. I proceeded to meet the other bathroom goer at the sinks where she proceeded to tell me I had a "unique" singing voice. I can only imagine that this woman had probably been hiding in the stall sending an SOS text to her entire contacts list assuming a predator was in the bathroom. 

This is my life. Why I let myself do these things, I have no idea. All I know is that there is no shortage of awkwardness here and that there will be many more moments to share with you in the future. Stay tuned. 

In the meanwhile, I would LOVE to hear your embarrassing and/or awkward moments. If you're brave enough, leave a comment! 

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An Introduction.

Future Meg, 

It is the summer of 2014. All of your friends have abandoned you for far more interesting cities, career pursuits, etc. and you're living in Pittsburgh alone. You're 24 years old, you have a somewhat decent job, and you're eating vanilla frosting for dinner...with your finger. 

Now that everyone has been brought up to speed - Welcome. You will soon understand that I have an extraordinary amount of free time on my hands now so I figured I would make the most of it. God knows I wont be working out, and I cant afford drinking every night, so blogging seemed like the second best alternative.

You can look forward to my reviews, rants, and ramblings on a variety of topics. It will be like BuzzFeed, only with less quizzes on which boyband you should actually be in.

...... *Nsync obviously.

I hope you will be entertained.

M

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